24 May 2011

Profitable Prophecies...

So, if it has happened yet, how long do you think it will be before scientologists recruit Harold Camping as a freelance consultant?

Wagers?

If I lose this bet and don't pay you, it is not because I was wrong, I just got the math wrong.

words ya heards

An insightful article from our friends at Cracked.  We all speak like dirty criminal hobo prostitutes.
Enjoy:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19216_9-words-youve-used-today-with-bizarre-criminal-origins.html?wa_user1=2&wa_user2=Weird+World&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=feature_module

14 May 2011

The Joy of Apartment Hunting - Part Deux: International Negotiations

As I have been continuing my search for a new place to live I have come across many more scams asking proposed tenants to wire money.  These scam advertisements come up so often I felt that it wasn't right for these con men to keep wasting my time with out me wasting their time as well.  So, while only spending a few minutes a day writing back to these poor excuses for human beings, I have been able to entertain myself while acting out a small feat of vengeance.  After all, it's not like I can physically track them down and punch them in  the face, so I hacve decided to settle for simply wasting their time.

The conversation below is my correspondence with a would-be fraudster about a room in Westminster that does not exist.  Instead of just leading them on, this time I decided to lead them on while impersonating Jim Carrey's character from the movie The Cable Guy.  I drop quotes from the movie relentlessly and at inappropriate times in the correspondence.  If this seems childish to you, good.  It is very childish.  However, it was entertaining for me and took absolutely no effort to do so I did it.  If I come across as a sociopath with multiple emotional issues please remember: that is the character Jim Carrey played in the movie.  Also, please notice that I am sending this from my personal email address with my name (edited out for this publication) yet I claim to be someone entirely different and this goes unnoticed by our sophisticated criminal friend.

It is a bit long, but I hope you enjoy it.  And, if you come across any money wiring scams yourself, please do me a favor and waste the time of the deadbeat proposing the wire transfer.
---------------

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to
dateWed, May 11, 2011 at 4:04 PM
subjectMore details about the flat in Westminster
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi,
Thanks for your response to my ad.The flat is two bedroom flat but I currently have one room available and below is details of the flat.
Flat address: Erasmus Street ,Westminster,London
Post Code: SW1P 4HU
Rent: £500 per month,all bills included for a room
Security deposit:£600 refundable after four weeks in the flat.
Minimum Stay: 1 Month(s)
Maximum stay:1 yr with the option of extending the contract after 12 months
Flat amenities:TV ,CD - DVD - Video,Radio,High-speed Internet with WiFi,Washing Machine ,dryer, Heating, iron and Ironing board,Gas cooker,oven, Electric Kettle,Toaster,Dishwasher,Refrigerator, Microwave e.t.c
The pictures of the flat are hereby attached with this email.
Local area :The flat is super convenient, it is a 4 minute walk from Pimlico tube station (Victoria line), across the street there's a bus stop and it's close to the river too so perfect for people willing to jog or cycle. It is just across from the Tate Britain, the London College of Design and walking distance ( 15 minutes) to Victoria station, House of Parliament and therefore also Westminster tube station ( circle and district lines and jubilee).
The location is extremely quiet which is something unique for such a central location and the apartment is on the first floor of an imposing Edwardian mansion. Just across the flat there is also a communal garden which is perfect for unwinding and relaxing and off street parking is available!
Could you tell me a bit about yourself and where you are presently located now?
Will you be able to take good care of my flat like your own?
Are you capable of funding the rent and refundable deposit before moving in?
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards,
Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateThu, May 12, 2011 at 10:08 AM
subjectRe: More details about the flat in Westminster
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

It is so nice to hear back from you.  I am very eager to move in to your lovely place.  I am flying into London next week so anytime after then we can schedule a meeting to view the place.  I assure you I have the resources to pay for the flat and I am a clean and tidy person who hates living in a mess!  I work for a cable televsion company and enjoy making new friends. 
Please write back or give me ring on my beeper.  I reverve the beeper for prefered customers because if you call my company they'll just put you on hold. (beeper= 987-555-4321)

Sincerely,

Chip Douglas

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 6:19 AM
subjectEmail me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,
Thanks for your email and interest in my flat. There's no problem having you view the flat on next week but I intend to hold viewing before then but if you are really interested in the flat I can easily hold unto the room for you till your arrival but before doing that I will need to be sure of your readiness and capability because I will not want a situation whereby I will secure the room for you and you will not turn up when you arrive.I have had several cases of people we had a deal for viewing and fail to turn up is either they cannot afford the rent or the security deposit required. Some outside tenants do not have the money to pay the rent and yet they disturb the landlord to arrange a viewing with their friend or relative who are in London.

This is what you will need to do in order to secure the room, you will need to make a transfer of a month rent plus security deposit (£500+£600=£1100) via Western Union Money Transfer using your name as the receiver of the money while you use the name of someone that's close to you as the sender of the money so that when you arrive London you will be the one to collect the money and pay me after you have viewed the flat and ok with it.
You are doing this just to be sure of your seriousness and capability before securing the room for you because I will not want a situation whereby the room will be reserve for you and you will not turn up when you arrive that's why I want you to do the transfer and you will need to email me the scanned copy of the transfer receipt for confirmation before securing the room for you.
I do not want you to have the feeling that I am asking for money BEFORE you see what you are renting because I know that payment is meant to be done AFTER you have seen the flat and okay with it that is why I said you should make the transfer to yourself so that you will be the one to receive the money and pay me in person after the viewing.
You don't need to worry about the transfer charges, I will personally refund it back to you,I'm doing this just to make sure everything is perfect before securing the room for you.
Let me know if you are ok with this arrangement so that we can proceed.
Kind regards,
Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 1:36 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

It is sooper to hear back from you.  For a money wire would Western Union work for that sort of thing?  I think there is one near the Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament I go to every week.  Have you ever been to one of those places? They are great.  My friend Steven and I go all the time.  I give all the knights there free cable so they let me joust when I am there.  Steven and I battled the other night and was running after him yelling, "Come back here, so that I may brain thee!" It was hillarious! He's my best buddy. In fact Steven is going to be in London in three days, perhaps he can meet you to see the apartment for me when he gets there.
I am very serious and capable of paying.  I have been with the cable company for years and I love my work. The way I see it, The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities! It's a great business to be in.  So, how much do I need to wire to you to secure the room?

Regards,

Chip Douglas

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 1:44 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,

Thanks for the detailed info. You are to wire 1100£ as explained in my previous email. Since Steven is coming to London in 3 days, you can do the transfer to him via Western Union and he will be the one to receive it here when he arrive London at the nearest Western Union close to the flat and pay me to secure the room for you. You can go ahead and get it done to him and let me know when you have done that.

Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 3:41 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Thanks Alicia, I am working on this as we speak! You are going to love meeting Steve.  He's a super guy! He is actually having some woman troubles with his girlfriend Robin, so he might seem a bit down in the dumps when you meet him. I told him, "Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold." I think it put things into perspective for him; I know these things.  I learned the facts of life by watching The Facts of Life.
In regard to the "£" is that in English currency or Irish currency?  Also, I am having trouble locating a Western Union in London.  I don't know where the closest one would be to Westminster.  I've never been there before so I am uncertain where to look.  Could you help me out with that if you know where a convenient one is?  Maybe you could email me the address when you have a minute?
I am looking foward to flying to London soon.  I have never been on a plane.  It seems dangerous.  You know, the problem with real life is there's no danger music.  Every think about that? Anyway, work is calling for me again. Time to take a ride on the information superhighway. It is tough to get back to work sometimes.  I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!
Regards,

Chip Douglas

Read more: http://www.reelmovienews.com/quotes/movies/the-cable-guy/#ixzz1MF7BI6xm

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 4:10 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,

Here are the agents close to the flat where you can pick the money when you arrive, we can go together if you don't mind.

1) VICTORIA NEWS
28 Strutton Ground
London, SW1P 2HR
2) SK SWEETS
   2 Lupus Street
  London, SW1V 3DY
3) PIMLICO SELF SERVICES
97 Tachbrook Street
London, SW1V 2QA

If I will be holding unto the room for you as agreed, you will need to get the transfer done either today or tomorrow.

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 4:22 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,

What I mean by £ is GBP.

Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 4:40 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

I am finishing up one more job and then I should be able to get to the bank in order to get the GBP before I go to the Western Union.  I can't wait to move in and set up my entertainment center. I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants! I threw a karaoke party the other day for my friend Steve to cheer him up and I was all like "You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn." It rocked.  Anyway I am going to wire to the place in Pimlico.  It will take me a couple hours to get all that done with so, with the time difference, it should all go through by middle of the day tomorrow.  I didn't have time to take an actual lunch break yet today.  I just went to grab sandwiches quickly and said to Steven, "You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding." That's my humor!  It's been a busy one, but everything should be ready and waiting by tomorrow.
See you later,

Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!


fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateFri, May 13, 2011 at 5:18 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,
You're to make the transfer in local currency ($) with the amount that will equal to 1100£ and the pay out will be GBP here. The
I will be expecting your email tomorrow then.
Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 12:23 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

I sent everything through as planned. I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.

Chip D
My real name is  Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now.
Oh Billy!

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
to: GRTR
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 12:31 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,

I don't really understand what you mean by  ''I sent everything through as planned'' . Have you done the Western Union transfer as agreed? If yes, you will need to email me the scan copy of the receipt for confirmation?

Cheers!
Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 12:39 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Oh, right, the receipt! I have that.  Sorry, in my excitement I forgot!
But begore I send it, I have to know, Am I really your buddy? Maybe when I get over there we can watch Silence of the lambs!
I was up at the satellite the other day, for work, and thought "What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'! "
My office scanner is not working now, some guy took the cable.  In the mean time I can give you the information on it. Would that help?

Chip

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
toGRTR
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 12:51 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

Hi Chip,

Yes you are,  you are a free person and I like that! I love watching films, swimming, painting, housekeeping, gift wrapping, film making, stationery, marketing, different cultures.

If your scanner is not available, you can email me the sender's name and the MTCN because that's what I will use to confirm the transfer online. https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=global

Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 1:38 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

That's Great! The Sender Name is Steven Kovacs
The Receiver's Name is Ernie Douglas
The MTCN: 01234 56789

It should appear shortly...Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
Chip!

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
toGRTR
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 1:58 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

What is all these?

Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 2:32 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

You asked for the mtcn number?  So, what are you trying to say?

Chip

fromAlicia May oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk
toGRTR
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 2:36 PM
subjectRE: Email me back to proceed
mailed-byhotmail.co.uk

So is 01234 56789 the MTCN?

Alicia.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 2:59 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Yes, unless I made a mistake.  Hold on, let me call Steven.
I left a message for him:
"Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back. "
Hopefully he knows, and he will get back to me.  If that jerk at the money office is scamming me...well, I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 3:09 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia,

Steven isn't sure.  Has the number shown up yet?

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 3:18 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Are you there? Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up...okay.

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 3:20 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

It's me again! This is quite a game of phone tag we're having!

fromGRTR
toAlicia May <oceanmiles@hotmail.co.uk>
dateSat, May 14, 2011 at 3:23 PM
subjectRe: Email me back to proceed
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Alicia, or whatever your name is,

I cannot listen to any of your instructions . For you are my sworn enemy . And are about to meet your demise


I forgive you, I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

Regards,

Chip

Beer: Wells Bombardier

Wells Bombardier
ABV 4.7%

“Brewed in the heart of England this is a richly rewarding traditional, burnished copper ale, bursting with English Spirit.”

Tasty.  I recommend it.  This beer is bottled in Bedford, England by a family-owned brewery, or so the bottle states with a stamp reading  “INDEPENDENT FAMILY BREWER.”  That has neither bearing on my opinion of the taste of the beer, nor does it influence my choice to purchase it over another agreeable beer.  For all I know, the family that owns this brand of beer is a bunch of assholes.  Considering their beer is quite good, I doubt that is the case.  They are probably very nice people.  Still, I will make my choice based on taste, mood, and the money in my pocket (Free beer always wins over the hop infused, delicious, and expensive).  I don’t feel qualified to weigh in on whether this is the most English of English beers (the label on the neck reads “Drink of England”), but I can say with authority, it is definitely not American in style.

The Hurly Burly Show:

If I had gone to see this earlier in its West End run rather than catching their last performance (Thanks Louise! You kick ass) I would have bought a ticket to see it again and again, every week, until its run ended.  I have been told it returns to The Garrick Theatre later in the year after Pygmalion finishes its run.  I recommend it toanyone who is able to attend it later this year.