Dead Poets Part Two: (I hope) The Dead Are Disinclined To Sue

The Hand That Signed the Paper

The hand that signed the paper felled a city;

Five sovereign fingers taxed the breath,

Doubled the globe of dead and halved a country;

These five kings did a king to death.

The mighty hand leads to a sloping shoulder,

The finger joints are cramped with chalk;

A goose's quill has put an end to murder

That put an end to talk.

The hand that signed the treaty bred a fever,

And famine grew, and locusts came;

Great is the hand that holds dominion over

Man by a scribbled name.

The five kings count the dead but do not soften

The crusted wound nor pat the brow;

A hand rules pity as a hand rules heaven;

Hands have no tears to flow.

By Dylan Thomas

Dylan Thomas is another poet whose verse goes well with whiskey, as it may have been well whiskey that versed the well (at times, anyway).  If you are keeping track, this makes two poets, with at least a couple left to go in my educational series tentatively titled, “It’s not plagiarism, it’s cultural history,” proudly sponsored by the hope that I do not get sued.  

Beer: Cumberland Ale

Jennings Lakeland Ales:  Cumberland Ale

“Pure Lake District.”  4.7%ABV

Yes, this is a recommended one.  Once you open the bottle the aroma will let you know that it is going to taste good.  Still, I am a little annoyed by the way the brewery pushes this one.  The back of the label reads:

Take a sip and savour the taste of this superbly refreshing golden ale, brewed using the finest ingredients.  Renowned for its stunning scenery, the Lake District with its imposing fells and tranquil lakes offers a unique sense of space and freedom.  Close your eyes and enjoy your ‘peace’ of the Lake District.

I give them points for using the word “fells.”  Still, a good beer is a good beer without the heavy rural country time sales pitch.  It is a tasty beer, I cannot, in good conscience, argue otherwise at this time (the time being approximately a few beers past the last).  Perhaps the makers already know that their chemically precise concoction will appeal to those who would rather be living in a serene lakeside cottage or picturesque hillside village where all the trees haven’t yet been cut down to make way for concrete anti-landscapes.  Since I write as someone who currently resides in a run down bed-sit in London, I can assure everyone the rural purity sales pitch is unnecessary.  However, it does occur to me, Jennings, that you may be pooling your beer venture with land sales and seasonal rental opportunities in the “Pure Lake District.”  If this is the case, then well done Jennings brewers.  I am so impressed that I offer you this one time chance to take me on as an investor with an offering of 1.61GBP (naturally, I assume a 16% rate of return on this, but, naturally, you realize I have no idea what I am actually talking about, so let’s just say if business goes well you mail me a free beer. Does that sound good to you?  Excellent.  I shall check the mail with enthusiasm). 

Whenever I decide to return to the states I already know I will miss the taste of British Ales.  Fortunately, great breweries will be awaiting me when I return.  Most notably my beloved Brooklyn Brewery.  But there are also other great breweries and beers such as Sierra Nevada, Dogfish Head, Anchor, Saranac, (most) Sam Adams, (some) Magic Hat, Captain Lawrence, and fortunately etcetera, etc.

The Joy of Apartment Hunting...

I have begun to look for a new place to live.  I have been looking for flatshares as well as studios in or near the central London area and have been scanning ad postings for flats daily.  Naturally, every now and then I respond to an ad on craigslist or gumtree and  I am greeted with the same bullshit from unimaginative scam artists.  Here is the lates episode for your reading pleasure:

From: Steven r Hepner <steven_hepner55@yahoo.com>
To: ME
In response to your inquiry with regards to your interest in my Studio.A stunning recently refurbished studio apartment, set on the lower ground floor of a period conversion. The property benefits from spacious studio room with large fitted wardrobes and double bed. Modern well equipped fitted kitchen with D/W. Modern fitted shower room with W/D.The property is located close to the shopping and transport facilities of Paddington.This modern studio is well decorated and is in a great location, within walking distance of Paddington Station and Bayswater station. The period mansion block it is located in also has a daytime porter for increased securityAll bills inclusive.Available fully furnished.The rent includes Central Heating, Gas, Electricity, Water Rates, WIFI and a fast broadband internet connection, Council Tax - there are NO BILLS to pay.Address:140 Edgware Road, Paddington, London W2 2QP.
The development is within easy reach of all local amenities such as shopping mall,parks,bars and restaurants.
Off street parking.
One bedroom flat is available for short or Long term contract.

Rent per month:£600
Refundable Deposit required:£600

From: ME
To: Steven r Hepner
The pictures look excellent and I like that it is located close to the park.  When is the place available to move into?  I am hoping to move into a new place at the beginning of June, but I am somewhat flexible regarding the move in date.  
Please get back to me and perhaps we can schedule a time where I can visit the flat.  I am usually free Fridays until mid-afternoon, Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays until mid-afternoon.

Thanks,
G

From: Steven r Hepner
To: ME
Hello ,
Thanks for getting back to me. I would love to meet you, get to know you and show you round the flat so that you can see what you are renting but I have had problems with time wasters who could not keep to there end of deal despite the fact that i have made the rent so low considering the economic climate in London.Its really time wasting because i am a very busy person and do not really have much time to waste. For now i need your suggestion,because i cant afford a waste of time.

Can you please answer the following questions?

-Are you really serious about the renting the flat?
-If you love the flat when you see it, will you make the payment to hold it against your move in?Kindly get back to me about an idea on what we can do so that we can arrange a meeting for viewing. Thanks while hoping to read from you.
Regards,
Steven

The apartment is available during the period you mentioned and can be reserved only if you are looking to rent it

Steven

From: ME
To: Steven r Hepner
My interest is serious, however, without visiting the flat I cannot say whether or not I will rent it.  I am looking for a 6 month lease with the possibility of extending the lease after the 6 month period.
Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thank you,
 G

From: Steven r Hepner
To: ME

I understand every bit of what you have said and i am 100% willing to let the apartment to you and also ready to book it for you only if you can assure me there wont be any disappointment.
I was discussing with my colleague about the idea on how i will be so sure that i will not be disappointed and to avoid time wasters.She advised that we can work out something via Western Union.
All i want to know is how sure you will pay me the money if intend to rent the room and just an evidence that you have the money because i need a surety that my tenant will pay me the rent and deposit.
She adviced that you can visit any Western Union outlet by sending the rent and deposit in  your friend or partners name to your name as the receiver in London Via Western Union which you would cash immediately you arrive. The relevance of this transfer is to show that you have the agreed rent and deposit at your disposal to cash once you arrive which will give me the reliance that you are coming over.
The transfer charges would be refunded to you when we meet at the point of viewing whether you decide to take the property or not.It is what i can afford to loose for a trust.After viewing, if you are satisfied with the flat, then we would both go to the nearest WU outlet, you will collect the money out and pay me in cash in exchange for the keys to the property and all other documents signed.
NOTE- No monies would be sent to me, it would be made between you and any of your friend or partner to your own name in London as the receiver,i just need the transfer as a proof.
I was made to understand that you can send me the WU transaction proof for confirmation on WU website so as for me to be rest assured that you have the money to pay me available at WU.https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=global
Kindly let me know if you are willing to proceed so that i could reserve the flat for you.
Regards
Steven

From: ME
To: Steven r Hepner
I am not going to send you any money with out seeing the flat and agreeing to live there.  You are full of shit and have wasted my time.  I would love to meet you in person so I could pour gasoline over you, light you on fire, and then kick you into the Thames just before you burned to death.  Die a horrible death, you scamming piece of shit dead beat scum fuck.

With sincerest hopes of your timely demise,

G

A Picture

a sculpture's greater truth?

God hates tiny cars?
England was once inhabited by giants with an automotive interest?

Well, I suppose I should have read the plaque.

Beer

McEwans Export: 

The better beer on the side of the beer aisle where mediocre beer is kept.  There’s this and Guinness and then a bunch of less than great beers surrounding them.  I usually pick up of 4-pack of this when I go grocery shopping.  Over all, this a pretty good beer.  (4.5% ABV)

Tourism....

Beer

Brakspear Bitter: No one likes a bitter critic, so I will leave this one alone. Assuming no one liked that joke, perhaps I will say just a bit more about this beer.  ABV 3.4%, fermented twice.  This “Double Dropped” Bitter is not very strong in flavor or alcohol, but it is an enjoyable beer.  Of course, usually it is redundant to place the word “enjoyable” in front of “beer.”

An Update...

So, I have not updated this page for a few weeks now and the world is overdue exposure to my ramblings.  Here they are (you’re welcome?):

On walking around London:  I walked through the Sloane Square area of the city today and there are a lot of beautiful and well-kept buildings in that area (at least on the outside).  I am reluctant to find out how much one costs, because such figures are depressing, but I imagine enough for one to spend the equivalent sum on a decade(s) long island vacation. 

On my sink finally being fixed: Now I don’t have a stack of dirty dishes all over my tiny place making me feel like a dirty invalid.  And, I can cook healthy food again (which I then wrap in bacon and wash down with whiskey).  Don’t worry, Mr. Hippie, the whiskey is organic and the pig that provided the bacon had organs.

On realizing I won’t be a millionaire by my 30^th birthday:  Can I have a dollar? No? That’s okay.  It won’t due me much good unless a million people are reading this.

The multi-lingual workplace...

For the convenience of my British staff I have taken the intiative of posting signs in multiple languages to ensure that everyone understands my ruthless demands.  The first sign is written in American while the adjacent one contains its English translation.

Feeling culturally enriched?  I thought so.

Dead Poets shall entertain you while I drink and watch a DVD (I will not be watching Dead Poets Society)

Dead Poets: *

Every now and then I will post a poem written by someone who is dead.  I do this for two reasons:  1) Even though poetry is often nonsense, some of it is brilliant.  2) The dead are not likely to sue me for copyright infringement (and hopefully their publishers will view such posting as free advertising).

I may even post some lines and poems from living poets safely, knowing that no one is reading this right now anyway and legal actions are not likely to be on the horizon.

*Remember when I said this blog would be educational?

And the first poem of this possible series is:

‘The Seven Sorrows’ 

The first sorrow of autumn

Is the slow goodbye

Of the garden who stands so long in the evening-

A brown poppy head,

The stalk of a lily,

And still cannot go.

The second sorrow

Is the empty feet

Of a pheasant who hangs from a hook with his brothers.

The woodland of gold

Is folded in feathers

With its head in a bag.

And the third sorrow

Is the slow goodbye

Of the sun who has gathered the birds and who gathers

The minutes of evening,

The golden and holy

Ground of the picture.

The fourth sorrow

Is the pond gone black

Ruined and sunken the city of water-

The beetle's palace,

The catacombs

Of the dragonfly.

And the fifth sorrow

Is the slow goodbye

Of the woodland that quietly breaks up its camp.

One day it's gone.

It has only left litter-

Firewood, tentpoles.

And the sixth sorrow

Is the fox's sorrow

The joy of the huntsman, the joy of the hounds,

The hooves that pound

Till earth closes her ear

To the fox's prayer.

And the seventh sorrow

Is the slow goodbye

Of the face with its wrinkles that looks through the window

As the year packs up

Like a tatty fairground

That came for the children.

By Ted Hughes

London Walks

A tough pitch for fat American tourists, but you New Yorkers may enjoy them; I did.  Take a light walk where you will see beautiful architecture and learn some history.  Genuinely friendly guides will entertain you with random historical trivia (you may call them facts) and at a fairly cheap rate too.  If you are in London for a few days it is worth trying one of the tours and you may find it is the only two hours of your stay where you are not completely lost. 

http://www.walks.com/

020 7624 3978